How My Badass Daughter Changed my Perspective on Courage
Gathering Inspiration to Explore a Creative Edge
The short story is this: 5 months ago I picked her up from school after she had an anxiety attack over her fear of being seen inside her art. This week she blew the top off that old story and went after all her dreams.
Where Big Dreams Grow
I have a rule inside motherhood. It’s silly really, but somewhere between growing two humans at the same time inside me and actually holding said tiny humans, I promised I would never ask of them what I would not do myself.
Needless to say, I’ve grown a whole hell of a lot for these girls.
My methods of how I accomplished following this rule are for another time. The backstory you need to know: my girls were homeschooled until 9th grade. They were given the freedoms of artists, raised like geniuses that were free to explore as they desired. I never squashed their intuitive nudges or their playful curious minds.
They have been called wild, full of energy, thoughtful, generous, talented. When they hit puberty and shut down all of their expansiveness I was stunned dumb.
Bless My Mama Heart
Any seasoned mother could have told me this happens to the best of them. Any therapist could have told me this is normal and caused by hormonal shifts. I took it as a call to arms. The outcome of my forced requirements blew up in my face.
I couldn’t understand what had happened. Where did I go wrong?
Icing on the cake: all this was happening when I was having my own personal self-expansion into elderhood. Where they were newly minted women, I had become a crone overnight.
Struggling to find a way to support these amazing humans I remembered my promise. I had been brave in the moments that they needed me. Now, their outbursts and isolation were a silent plea that even they didn’t know they were asking of me.
I had to show them how to be a woman. Plus, I had to let them figure it out along the way.
It takes a village…of influencers
My story of “show not tell” is a boring expanse of me taking on lead roles in the community where they “saw” me doing the hard things. I would talk with them about my fears in doing things that were out of my comfort zone. I shared truths that I never thought I would tell my daughters about myself so they knew I was a safe place to share their secrets when the time was right.
They saw me do my leader thing and in classic teenage style said nothing and closed the door to their room. They taught themselves beauty and fashion from youtube (insert my cringe) and the rest I now realize they already had from childhood. I had taken the rule I started with and expanded it to a more comprehensible approach in my personal life without their involvement.
I have not stopped in my methods. I continue to take charge, go the extra mile, and accomplish far more than I set out to do. I no longer do it for them but they were my reason to start.
The Creative Edge
She came to me and said she couldn’t do it anymore. She was tired of holding herself back. She wanted to audition for two different theater groups and run for vice-president of her troupe. I knew she was made for this. I knew she could do it. We talked, she had a plan, I supported her the whole way.
She did the work. Every last check mark on her list to get her to the end. This week both auditions happened back to back, one each day. The third day she gave her speech for her troupe. She did it all and never looked back. Her infallible belief in her talent was stunning, inspiring, breath-taking.
She succeed. She showed up and with her rock-solid belief she received her spot on the troupe. She was awarded her vice-president spot tonight at the awards.
She leveled her fear against her drive to succeed and made the choice that failure wasn’t an outcome because trying was the win. Her courage has inspired me to simple go full throttle after my dreams. I’m no longer planning, I’m simply doing.
At the creative edge we discover who we really are. Win or lose this fact finding mission is vital to self-expansion. In risking the edge we discover talents we never would have known we had unless we went for it. The feedback is the reward.
Dreams can turn into Life. Maybe not the way we want them to, and we don’t always get all we go after, but hell, 2 out of 3 sure isn’t bad.
Announcement:
In the coming weeks I will be releasing a series of essays that blend my years in sobriety with my studies in spirituality. They will be a vulnerable edge I look forward to exploring with you. I hope you will join me.
Wishing all of you a creative edge worth dreaming of,
Lenaleah 💕