My Love Affair Exposed My Lack of Self-Care
My truth telling tale of being an Dog Mom
Nuna was a pink nosed, fluffy, loved to be loved puppy when we adopted her seven years ago. Full of love, energy, and a desire to please she was an instant member of our family.
She also became a challenge I wasn’t ready for: a trigger for my dysfunctional form of self-care.
It didn’t take long to realize I didn’t have the space to give her all she needed to be an exceptionally trained dog because I lacked the ability to set boundaries in my life that would make her training paramount for the time it needed to take.
Overtime was a constant
Nuna needed basic puppy training. The requirements of that training I somehow came to perceive as neediness. The neediness left me feeling depleted with each failure. I was blessed with this amazing dog yet all I could think of was how I just needed a break.
In reality I needed help, and I’m not just talking the puppy training kind.
I was working overtime in life without taking time to rest. I believed this overtime translated to worth. I didn’t give myself credit for being a homeschool mother, group leader, and puppy trainer. Somehow I convinced myself that what I did (homemaker) required more time on the clock than a “working” mother.
Resentment is a bitter pill
Nuna didn’t understand that the little bit I had left at the end of a long day of nurturing family and home left me with little to give to her. She was given the dregs of my day and I prayed others would supplement.
I began to resent my dog.
At some point I simply placed the responsibility of her care inside a distant place in my mind so I could function without feeling bad at my struggle to give her what she so clearly wanted to give me, unconditional love.
She never gave up on me. She’s stubborn like that.
Two years ago when my daughters went off to high school Nuna and I started to connect in a supportive way as I navigated my mid-life change. She walked the empty house with me as I cried, cleaned, and adjusted to the sudden change in my life.
She noodled her way into the purge of the house. She added fun to garage sale prep. She walked me around the block when all I wanted was to binge watch TV. In short, she helped me remember who I was by being present to keep me centered in the now.
My love affair exposed my lack of self-care
Could I love her as much as she loved me? This was the question that started my love affair with Nuna. Her initial reaction to this new attention was elation. She began to spend more time near me or perhaps I was just noticing her more. Regardless, making her the star of my days showed me something I wasn’t ready for.
Nuna isn’t actually that needy. I am.
Truth: her requests are basic dog needs. She sleeps more than is awake. She only wants love through active petting, a daily walk (which she believes is her job), and play after dinner time. She requests her food timely at 7 and 5. Fresh air, sun, and the occasional bark to remind the squirrels of her prowess means her day is complete. So why did I feel as if she was needy like a toddler?
Because she required me to give to her what I was refusing to give myself. Space, love, and a little sunshine.
Self-care looks different for all of us. Some people can tend to their needs with enthusiasm, even joy. Others ignore them until it is a must. Pretending that my needs are minimal would be the worst of my offenses except I still defer to others before my own basic requirements. I have been challenged to place my needs over others because it isn’t in my nature.
Self-care is not selfish
Somewhere in the early years of life I heard these words: What makes you think you are so special? And: Why are you so selfish?
I don’t know the identity of who said this to me but I hear these words in a quiet corner of my mind whenever I have a really big desire that wants to be shared with the world. Once the negative thought starts it runs on a loop causing me to withhold my desires and minimize my needs which in turn creates my people pleasing nature to go into overdrive.
My experiment with Nuna has brought me to the most basic question: How can I expect the world to present me with my desires if I minimize them into oblivion?
Nuna knows only one way to live— in the moment.
Each day is brand new. Her excitement at my waking form shuffling through the pre-dawn light is patient, willing. She watches with a smile until I sit to put on my shoes so we can do our morning walk. She nudges my legs in greeting as we start outside to catch the first bird song, greet the last of the bats, and watch the first rays of sunshine climb the horizon.
Nuna is a gift I selected for myself before I knew I needed it. She has shown me what devotion can look like and in extension what self-care means.
She has led me to a deeper level of love that I was uncertain I could experience towards myself and others.
She isn’t just a dog. She is unconditional love.
Clarity
All of Nuna’s needs have always been provided for. I couldn’t deny her any more than I could my children. Where I fell short was the ability to give her the extra time or care she sometimes needs for her anxiety. This, too, is what I need to give myself when I take big action and suffer the vulnerability hangover.
Dog ownership is a litmus test in self-care. If my pets are short changed, so am I. What a beautiful loving reminder to have in a furry friend.
Lenaleah 💕