Time for some new dreams

How the critic helped clean my house

Allowing

I marvel at the beauty of allowing.

Allowing to just breathe. Allowing things to be messy. Allowing life to unfold.

For three weeks I simple fell head long into the flow. I had a 30 minute meltdown in a huge field a week before my trip alone to Idaho. I triggered shingles days prior to boarding a plane. I healed myself. I walked into the wilderness of my being and simply allowed.

In the allowing I became.

I had no one to tend to but myself. I was able to follow the inner knowing at all hours without exception (well twice I wavered and lost time in the process but fixed it in the end). This kind of living, where my inner knowing is my constant guide, is my dream. Yet….

Within days of touchdown back in Florida a strange thing happened. My life.

My inner critic decided that the fun and games were over and a full blown strip down of all my transgressions were required. Here I am, before you, 11 days into this tirade and I have just discovered the little sneaking voice that has been tending the fire of “Not worthy” and “Less than”.

My house has never been cleaner. My wordless pages in my journal have never been more vacant. I starve myself of words because it’s a punishment only I can exact on myself.

I have spent countless lifetimes creating lists of fault-lines and misgivings. Where have they ever gotten me? In my brow beaten state I have reached a surrender point with the inner critic.

All I want to do is write a letter to myself that says “You are Forgiven. Go in Peace.” and send it around the world to have it land back in my mailbox smelling of oceans unseen and lands unknown.

Somewhere inside me I have a long held belief that the act of receiving and allowing are only given to those that are deserving.

Deserving in the Receiving

Here is where I say, with the curser blinking, that I deserve to receive. Here is also where I tell you I’m not there…yet. I am inching closer. If I can do it while alone then I can figure out how to do it with a home full of humans I adore more than myself at times. You see, really, it comes down to finding a way to be me while still honoring them.

It’s time to dream.

Time to create dreams aligned with my desires. Purpose driven. Simple. Real!

It’s time to give the brazen abandon of my trust to my dreams the same way I gave it to myself while I was in Idaho fully being me.

You see, I didn’t know I wasn’t being fully me until I wasn’t. This simply won’t do. My life is far too grand a thing to be placed in a little box that is only taken out upon arrival to a distant shore where I’m alone.

I can allow. I can dream. I can create from my desires. I’m here to tell you that I’m ready to be seen. I’m ready to allow and to receive.

And finally, I’m ready to be worthy.